May 05, 2003
the lizzie mcguire movie

commence scoffing. i can so see all of you going to yourselves, "oh no. did she really go to see that? shit no, say it ain't so. who would pay to watch a movie with hilary duff. i don't even know the name of that girl but because i am michele's interior self-projection monologue onto all her friends, i know the name because _I_ saw the movie. oh shit no, say it ain't so."

totally saw that movie. i said to myself, "self, cut out your jibber jabbering. so what that both nuala and erica, your only two hopes for company on this fool expedition, denied you. stridently. so what? don't let them get you down, self. let's go! hey ho!" and then i went to see it. not only that but due to my mother's desire to procrastinate doing her homework, i got her to go AND pay for it. sch-weet. she then got completely busted by a fifth grade BOY who she used to teach at hidden valley. color her mondo-embarressed. it was adorable. he came up all shy and was like, "hi mrs. G." and then ran away again. i laughed so hard i busted a gut. i then attempted to steal the plastic sticky ad for xmen 2 off the window. failure. defeat. sad.

but enough about me. this movie sucked ass. i can't even tell you. wait, yes i can. there was this little cartoon feature. interspersed at all the important moments. to highlight stupid lizzie mcguire's state of mind. it was awful.

second, you know how in the previews, the italian singer boy seems all great and hot stuff. THIS IS NOT SO. he is, in fact, a skeezy lying sleazebag. within 5 minutes of meeting him it is PATENTLY obvious that he is lying thru his teeth. but does lizzie mcguire notice this? oh nooooooooo. plus within 5 minutes of watching her best friend, gordon, you are clear on the fact that he is a stand up kind of fellow of the best sort and completely in love with her while being utterly adorable. for an 8th grader. a-hem.

everything ends up all right in the end, there's a concert. the bad boy gets his flat singing voice due. lizzie mcguire and the italian singing girl who looks exactly like her but with brown hair wow the crowds. the parents cheer along. even the little snake in the grass brother has an all right time. and then fireworks and she kisses the best friend. ONCE. NOT ENOUGH. and he says, HE SAYS, "thanks..." and she says, 'you're welcome." and michele the 24 year old gives up on pretending to be 8, stands up in the audience and demands some serious making out and slow fade on the two of them alone in bed. come ON people. kiddie porn, please. corn pone. sheesh.

the one highlight for me, (it's going to come back to the family guy, wait for it. wait for it), is that alex borstein who does a lot of the writing and a LOT of the female voices on family guy plays lizzie's mom. i enjoyed that.

yes that is a large wheel of cheese.

my advice? don't see this movie. not that any of you were going to. as was made obvious when no one would go see it with me. =P

Posted by michele at 10:17 AM
May 02, 2003
x-men 2 or x2

xmenxmenxmen! how do i love thee? they art innumerable.

fyi: do not read this if you have not seen the movie and don't want anything spoiled. i'm serious. i am going to give away shit like you wouldn't believe. i want to say too here at the start that i am lackluster fan of the comics. i would like to be more of a fan, but i never read them as a kid. i admit that. there's TONS of shit that i know nothing about and if any of my comments offend on the basis of against the holy bible of the original comics, i apologize. know that i am basing pretty much everything i say solely on my enjoyment of the movies as entities unto themselves.

this movie fucking rocks my world. the joy of watching it is incalculable. you know how the first one is really good and enjoyable and funny and action-packed? this one surpasses it in every single way imaginable. well except for the opening credits. they suck.

i wrote notes all over my body, so here are my impressions of the movie.

snafu pluralized:
why does nightcrawler go from being pale skinned to his normal blue color in the beginning? how does that work? totally unexplained.

why do they not state who he is sooner. it was vaguely confusing. perhaps it wouldn't be for someone who's read all the comics or was more prepped before seeing the movie. but i thought for a while he was supposed to be beast which made me really mad since he wasn't covered in fur. and some guy next to me thought so too. but maybe we are just dumb. certainly his introduction of himself (alan cumming with his beautiful faked german accent) "my name is kurt wagner. but in the munich circus i was known as the incredible nightcrawler!" wolverine: "save it." curt, as always. ah hugh jackman.

what the fuck is up with wolverine's hair? i feel it should stay in the wolverine style no matter what he is doing or even if he is soaking wet (which he isn't at any point, although wouldn't it be nice if he was?) but instead it's only perfect at the very beginning and then at the very end. the rest of the time it's all messed. people use more styling products. live up to your image. you've got a reputation to maintain here.

the folder given to the president at the end by rogue/xavier is not the same in two shots. first it's opened and has merely a white paper on top and a staple in the corner. next it is closed and has a blue cover but no one closed it. heh. a small point but still.

in the cartoon i accepted the fact that storm and jean gray were just as good/powerful/able to take care of themselves as the men. in the movie versions i have a harder time of believing it, even though the two of them are the main heros in this movie. at the very beginning when they're sent off by themselves in the jet to retrieve the assassin (nightcrawler). i'm like, 'what are you doing? they can't handle this by themselves. they're just little girls!' and true, they do handle it. but it seems slightly less plausible. as if they just got lucky or something. wierd.

cyclops is hardly in this movie. and when he is in it. all he does is cry like a baby because jean left him and he didn't protect her, she protected him. baby. but seriously. he gets captured and isn't seen for like an hour and a half. it's impressive how little of a role he has. same goes for rogue. though she's visible in the movie more. iceman (bobbie drake) has a larger role. and speaking of him.

what the fuck is up with the drake family? i'm sure, mind you, that this is drawn on some comic book plot line or what have you. but they're his parents and his brother. who DOES that? who turns in family to the cops like that just because they're mutants? that's just plain silly. that kind of attitude is so prevalent in xmen but at the same time it seems just so unrealistic.

the movie starts off with professor xavier's voice, "sharing the world has never been one of humanity's defining characteristics." apropo for this juncture in world history, perhaps. but also just a good line.

other good lines:
"we love what you've done to your hair." magneto to rogue (allusion to first xmen movie).
"that's one dorky looking helmet." pyro to magneto (allusion to what everyone was thinking in first movie).
"when will these people learn to fly?" magneto to mystique while controlling the jet.
"again you think it's all about you." magneto to wolverine (allusion to first xmen movie).
"i did not mean to snoop." nightcrawler to jean grey. it's in the way he says "snoop." good stuff.

GREAT scenes:
nightcrawler invading the white house in the very beginning. alan cumming is a fucking god. plus nightcrawler is a great character.

campfire powwow with magneto, mystique, wolverine, jean grey, and storm. it's so cute. it's like they're cooperating and at the same time sworn enemies. ahhh camp songs.

magneto's prison escape with the sucking out the blood of the guard to make the bullets of the excess iron in the blood stream and then the banging and the breaking and the flat floating disc across the space and the face and the arms. oh how i love ian mckellen.

mystique getting into the underground base of operations (BOO). with the kicking and the sliding thru flipping off movement and then the blowing of kisses.

jean grey at the end turning into pheonix while: starting the plane, holding off nightcrawler from using his power to save her, and stopping the huge wall of water.

the lady deathstrike and wolverine fight in the room of thier origination as adamantium beings. kelly hu is a whirling dervish of a fighting machine, plus her ability to punch with her fingernails should not be underestimated. but the clang when she hits the ground after being pumped full of metal is quite a crowd pleaser. also the silver streams that leak out of her facial orifices is a nice touch. and also in this scene the eyeball phenomenon is pretty clear.

i don't know if this holds true throughout the whole movie, but the people under the control of the secreted brain fluid from jason stryker have bright blue irises surrounding the pupil, but when they come off the drug, thier eyes return to normal color. this can be seen in nightcrawler until he gets hit by the bullet and then his eyes go back to being gold, magneto's change infintestimally since they're already pretty blue, cyclops' you can't see. but then lady deathstrike's are the most obvious because they are ice blue, but when she's near death they bleed back to brown and she looks really aware for the first time. jason stryker having the eys of two different colors was interesting. as if he was partially under the control, but a part of him was still free and able to choose. although since he didn't chooses anything for himself really at any point, i'm not sure how well that holds up.

the multiple storylines in this movie created a wonderful blend of interconnectedness while also remaining fun. this movie could not have been so good, i think, without the first one being out of the way, because now in this one they could have more fun. they really became thier characters and they were relaxed into thier roles which made it all the more convincing for the audience. plus there were more strong plotlines than the first so it seemed both more complete and more satisfying as a story in that we already knew most of the characters and could now see them be developed in interesting directions.

the storyline which i loved the most was the jean grey growing power one, because the pheonix saga is one of my favorite arcs in the cartoon. the fact that they did it now confused me a little but i'm willing to go with it. it was cool to see her wearing this huge phoenix pendent in the beginning and then to watch the play of light in the water of the lake at the end forming the wings of her to be reborn. the third movie (i'm assuming there will be one) is going to kick even more ass i hope than this one. and i have to say, it has a lot to live up too.

reading message boards is fun


Posted by michele at 09:36 PM
May 01, 2003

i know everyone else saw this a long time ago, but no one saw it with me so i only just got it on netflix and watched it. holy crap. i can't believe you all weren't raving more about it when it was out. this is honestly one of my new favorite movies of all time (joining the mummy, the mummy returns, and the matrix. seriously, this does not make me look like much of a good movie buff, i know.)

for like 3 days afterward my brain constantly flashed back on scenes in this movie. the pool with the floaties, the first spanking, the work, her face in the chair at the end when she says, 'thank you, daddy.", when mr. gray carries her up the stairs and she's clinging to him and he washes her hair and lays her down on the's so freaking unbelievable gorgeous it makes my brain sob.

james spader is the fucking MAN. and i love maggie almost as much as i love her brother now. (i can't help it, i still love him more. bubble boy, fer fuck's sake.)

i want to own this movie and watch it all the time. that is how much i love it.

does anyone have any thoughts on the very last shot of the movie of her watching him drive away and than looking directly at the camera? obviously this meant something because it went on too long to not. but i can't decide really what that meaning was. my one thought is kind of a challenge to the audience who maybe was expecting something more or something else in conclusion. and instead the message of the film-maker is that this is it. she was incredibly brave and 'came out' as who she is and was unapologetically going to stare down any accusations on morality or against atypical relationship bullshit. my idea for this mainly comes from something the director says in the featurette on the dvd about how this is a landmark movie on sadomasochism and submissive/dominants because of how it shows them in a "this IS normal/OUR reality" light and that a lot of people won't be expecting that they can end happy as they are but will have to get over this "problem" of theirs and then go on to be fully-functional ordinary members of society with more acceptable sex drives.

i recommend this movie to anyone with an open mind who has yet to see it. because it is GREAT.

Posted by michele at 06:42 PM
a mighty wind

(please note that i am catching up on movie reviews and hence can't really remember much since i saw all of these movies quite some time ago.)

genius. sheer genius. note that i really didn't like "best in show" all that much even though i was sincerely excited beforehand. but this one, i loved. it was great. really, really funny. and wonderful acting by eugene levy in particular. although my favorite characters were the bohners. with their color religion and her slutty, slutty pasts. hi-larious. the writing was brilliant, the shots were great. i wholeheartedly approve. and it's inside the dome in phill right now which makes it all the better.

Posted by michele at 06:31 PM
bend it like beckham

(please note that i am catching up on movie reviews and hence can't really remember much since i saw all of these movies quite some time ago.)

there's this scene where jonathan rhys-meyer is at the door to jess' house and the dad opens the door and he has his back to it, but then he turns around and the light falls just right on his gorgeous fucking visage with the partially opened white t-shirt....oh man. i lose my breath everytime. i went and saw this movie in the dome JUST TO SEE HIM REALLY BIG on the screen. i paid less to buy this movie than i paid for my movie admission ticket and i just didn't care. oh JRM, you are so fucking hot.

the movie itself is good. i love the soundtrack. the plot is basically fluff, but does have some cultural (british, irish, and indian) subtexts which are interesting to watch out for. it's also interesting to listen to upper white middle class old people laugh at indian/british jokes.

if anyone wants to watch this movie, i do own it. you have to put up with chinese subtitles, but they're not so bad. and you can learn how certain kanji are written, most noticeably the one for "no". good times.

Posted by michele at 06:27 PM
bulletproof monk

(please note that i am catching up on movie reviews and hence can't really remember much since i saw all of these movies quite some time ago.)

ha ha ha! i was soooo excited about this movie too. but, of course, as to be expected of anything starring seann william scott, this movie was shit. the acting, the dialogue, the PLOT. oh my god the plot. it was going all right. everything was fine. i was willing to believe this scroll which protects it's guardian and keeps them alive an extra 60 years looking young and the real nazis chasing it, whatever. but just went all to hell. they tried at the end to salvage something with this prophecy deal was kind of pathetic.

i felt so embarrassed and at the same time betrayed by chow yun fat. it was interesting to watch him act in english though because it appears to create this whole false person of a subservient in him. everytime he speaks or walks while speaking he kind of has this hunching "don't hit me, i am your humble servant" thing going on. it was kind of sad. i wasn't sure if it was a language inferiority thing or just his acting. either was it was bad. the walking shit-eater grin on legs named SWS was terrible. terrible. i can't even tell you. so full of shit. jamie king saved the movie in a fashion sense because all of her clothes were cool and she looked pretty. but on the whole, her plotline/lineage/reason for existing in the movie was just such a load of bullshit that it was hard to treat her character with any respect. and all the bad guys just sucked cock.

do not waste full admission price on this movie. seriously.

Posted by michele at 06:21 PM

(please note that i am catching up on movie reviews and hence can't really remember much since i saw all of these movies quite some time ago.)

holes was good! if you overlook the fact that the main character in the book (stanley yelnats) is supposed to be FAT and this kid in the movie is definitely not fat. there are a few other discrepancies, mainly at the end end with the completely random and totally unecessary plot twist concering mr. sir. but whatever.

mostly the way the book goes from time period to time period, is faithfully reproduced. and they all blend together smoothly and highlight a little more the tidbits of correlating info that one might have missed while reading the book.

zero, my favorite character in the book, is played with a startling degree of empathy by this khleo kid who little girls apparently rave over. if i was a little girl i would too. he is a damn cute kid.

other than all that, this movie was LOOOOONG. or possibly i was just really tired. but it's over 2 hours. so be aware. but it is good. and really a good book for educators.

Posted by michele at 06:14 PM